I understand how difficult the topic of sexual purity and dating is for many to talk about, and I honestly have discovered this is because so many struggle with it in their personal lives.  We cannot help those we lead overcome in an area we are not winning in our own lives.  Before you say I have never committed a sexual sin or adultery, let me ask you how often you use the phrase emotional adultery? Honest pastors will admit in the private moments of their lives, it wars against them.  When a member of the congregation or youth group or leadership team affirms you, encourages you, or seeks your wisdom, the opportunity to commit emotional adultery presents itself.

Sexual adultery never begins the moment it reaches the bedroom.  It starts with emotional flirtation.  If you choose to prevent your mind, will, and emotions from committing adultery, you will never find yourself in a position of sexual compromise.  Keep your own emotions on a short leash and uphold the standard of relational integrity to the same level you would any other part of your life.  As you set the standard, your kids can know where their emotions lie and will avoid the puppy love trap set by the Enemy.

We often hear “The family that plays together, stays together,” but in youth ministry understand, the youth family that prays together and plays together, stays together.  Let’s be really honest.  The bottom line is girlfriends and boyfriends most often exist only to fill an emotional need that otherwise could be filled by real friends creating a sense of belonging.  Our teenagers are exchanging physical contact and personal dignity for a sense of security and emotional fulfillment.  And frighteningly the consequences to their actions wind up far greater than they ever expected.  Provide an environment where they feel they belong and connect, a place they won’t leave emptier than when they came.

Genesis 25 accounts the story of Esau, the brother of Jacob, who traded the most valuable thing he had, his birthright, for a meager bowl of soup.  The normal person would think that makes absolutely no sense, but when we face the formidable reality that a hungry need is a dangerous need, Esau’s actions appear much less abnormal.  Albert Einstein warned, “An empty stomach does not make a good political advisor.”  In moments of physical and emotional hunger, rational thinking escapes all thought processes, as young teenage guys and girls give away priceless, valuable pieces of themselves…their virginity, self-respect, their heart.

When I speak to my leadership teams and prepare them for small groups, we utilize these as care groups to go beyond discipling and establish a safe place where kids feel a sense of security and inclusion.  Creating an atmosphere to allow Jesus and fellow peers to meet the needs of emotionally hungry youth is a privilege.  Through the years it has been an honor to create life-long friendships, and I am humbled to say many have lived their teenage years with no regrets.

Over the years, people come to our youth ministry and are amazed at the large percentages of teenagers, interns and staff, who do not have a significant other.  I believe it is simply because we chose a Biblical approach to dating relationships.  I do not think this should be a new concept, yet it is an approach we often overlook when dealing with romantic relationships.

Biblically approaching relationships has yielded secure and confident teenagers, as guys and girls chose to submit their hearts and affections to the will and timing of God.  They all say they want God’s best.  Who wouldn’t?  Yet teenagers need to know the pragmatics of walking that out, as well as someone to care and help them through it.

As you keep the goal of strong, grounded teenagers clear in focus, begin strategically deciding how to reach that place and win in the area of relationships.  One or two sermons rarely solves the problem of clingy puppy-love relationships.  As marketing gurus know their product, their service, their brand must echo in the minds of the buyer.  It requires persistence.

To really change a teenagers’ outlook on dating, begin using one-liners that encourage and point them towards right emotions.  Media and society saturate their minds on a daily basis, forcefully twisting the perception of love and dating, and leaving good examples of Christ-like love few and far between.  The hopes of counteracting this bombardment of secular ideas tragically evades, when youth pastors refuse to address this subject.  You can spare your kids the heartache ahead, if you will begin to understand they need to hear solid foundational truths in this area and then feed them, feed them, feed them.

Guy/girl relationships during the teenage years stand among the most predominant issues most youth pastors consider to be a delicate subject, yet it remains a topic all youth pastors must not ignore.  My deliberate approach always involved infiltrating their minds through one liners like, “Puppy love leads to a dog’s life.”  Below are some more great one-liners I’ve used with my kids.

1. Accept your share of moral responsibility for purity.  Don’t ask the Lord to take temptation away when you don’t want to walk away from temptation inviters.
2. Remove fuse-shorteners from your life.
3. Small compromises eventually create BIG consequences.
4. Be honest with how media really affects you personally.
5. Bring your thoughts captive.
6. Prioritize Scripture memorization.
7. In the bank of romance, be a long-term, not a short-term investor.
8. Strive sexually to be a late bloomer.
9. Understand romance is a fight you can win, but a battle you fight forever.

Please do not ask every kid in your youth service to put their name on a card and place it in a hat while you randomly draw ten names.  If you want to be really effective and rise to a higher level, there are a few strategic principles in creating a list.

Always target kids that are older, preferably high school juniors and seniors.  If you are in junior high ministry, target older junior high students.  By going after older kids, the younger ones always gravitate upwards, but if you focus on the younger ones no one will be spiritually sustained past the age you go after.  No teenager is any less valuable or significant than another, but when you put together your own list to spiritually devour youth you cannot realistically do it without winning the hearts of upperclassmen at the top of the teenage food chain.

Always target eagles. When I jumped into the first two ministries, my ten names were all eagles, because I knew I quickly needed a strong leadership team in order to build a strong youth ministry and reverse the current flow of influence.

Always target unsaved kids. This keeps the excitement in youth ministry.  Seeing unsaved kids changed by the grace of God brings the Father’s character to life in our hearts and minds.  If you observed me in the youth ministry world, without question you could quickly identify what nonbeliever I was chasing.  Unashamedly I go out of my way to do things for them and trek down avenues I would never even consider.

Years ago when I first arrived at one of the places we ministered, I did what I’ve done with all my ministries, I made a “Holy Spirit Hit List.”  I conducted interviews with key teenagers wherever I could find them in the youth group, around the church, and in the city.  As I pulled them aside, I asked, “If one teenager here were to give their life to Jesus Christ and really make a difference, who would that one person be?”  Everyone answered with different names, but each name was preceded with the same disclaimer, “That person will never be into God or anything.”  I took those random names scribbled on scraps of paper, and slowly began my list.  After years of experience the majority of the kids usually turn out to be hardened rebels who grew up sitting week after week in a church pew.

My list compiled teenagers from all walks of life, all socioeconomic backgrounds, but when it was completed, I fervently prayed everyday for each one by name.  My faith believed they would come to Christ.  But I knew that faith without works is dead.  I did not wait for God to supernaturally bring them to my door step, but I strategically planned how I would connect with them.  I was nice and warm and friendly to everyone, but I deliberately targeted that Holy Spirit hit list and determined to build relationships.  Deliberately I constructed a bridge of friendship that the Holy Spirit would walk across.  By the grace of God, many of the names on my hit lists have knelt to the floor and entered an authentic relationship with Jesus Christ.

Over my many years in youth ministry, one of the mistakes that I made was unconsciously emphasizing addition in youth ministry over multiplication.  It took me years until I really let myself understand this concept.  Jesus had an addition ministry.  The Bible tells us this in the parable about leaving the 99 sheep in the fold while He went after the one.  The addition moments, the one person at a time moments, are really important and I never want you to walk away from those.  But you will get really frustrated if you let the addition moments be more frequent that the multiplication moments.

Many of you have heard me say that on my tombstone I want “100x” and it’s taken from the parable in the Gospels where Jesus says some seeds fell to the ground and reaped 10 fold return, some 50 fold return and some 100 fold return.  100x …multiplied 100 times!  In multiplication ministry, if you spend a little time with a potential leader and begin to pour heart and vision and a few pragmatics into them…coach them a little…it may take more of your time now, but within three months, there’s high likelihood that they will be a huge asset and they’ll multiply because they have some of those genes inside of them that could be a leader.

I’ve got a t-shirt that I give to my wonderful Cadre friends where part of the t-shirt it says, “100x.”  I want them to understand the importance of being a person who thinks multiplication, not just addition.   That’s why each month, I record the Source and Youth Leader’s Coach, because even though I’ll always have a ministry of addition…that one on one counseling of a few, because if you don’t have kids that make you know what they’re going through, you lose the reality of the whole ball game and you lose heart…I’ll spend more of my time reaching out to potential leaders, reaching out to those I can help shape into becoming huge Kingdom multipliers.

So do the addition…but don’t make my mistake and spend more time on addition than multiplication.

Want to know some of the other mistakes I’ve made in ministry?  I share them in the Youth Leader’s Coach, “My 10 Biggest Mistakes In Youth Ministry.”  http://www.youthleaderscoach.com/playbook/details.asp?id=9

No one likes to talk about the unexpected threat of being let go from a church, yet undeniably the majority of ministers will understand the sting of being asked to leave a ministry.  Dealing with this issue is rarely pleasant and screams the potential for resentment.  We rarely discuss it, but it is during that moment in the journey we all must know who we are in the Lord and above all be encouraged and advised on walking this part with integrity.

If you have not experienced this and I pray you don’t, but the reality is you might have to face it, always remember…the way you exit one season of ministry, will greatly determine the way you enter the next.  Regardless of the emotional or physical sacrifice, I earnestly plead with you to rise above the circumstances and people with a heart that says your trust remains in the God who loves you, orders your steps, and directs your path.  In due season, Jesus alone will repay you in ways you never dreamed as possible.  His word says He will do, “Above and beyond anything you could ask, think, or imagine.”

In four decades of ministry, I have shed countless tears and felt the wrenching of my own heart over and over again.  I have learned that when the pieces of our hearts break, the Lord cares when we hurt, but He loves us too much to shield us from the growing process of being broken and molded.  For each time we are shattered, if we stay humble and keep our spirits right before Him, we can know the beauty of becoming more like Him.

As a mentor I pray you know how well I understand when the source of hurt comes from your own “John the Beloved.”  When the weeping in your pillow seems like it will never cease and the only words you can utter in honesty are quiet, desperate, “Why me…” choose to make Jesus your “John the Beloved.”  Joy arrives in the morning, and after experiencing only a taste of the real emotional agony endured by our Savior at Calgary, our walk becomes one of boldness and freedom.

My wounds were still fresh and I felt my journey had gone beyond the valley into a pit of despair, yet I clung to hope and lived through the devastation knowing not one of us is immune to hurt.  And not one of us ever walks alone.  Jesus is right beside you whispering, “Walk with me…”

Have people hurt me?  Yes.  Were they people whom I deeply loved, sincerely trusted, and honestly believed in?  Of course.  Were they less loyal, less faithful and less loving than I had hoped?  Sure.

But take a deep breath and stop to read these life-changing words:  They hurt Jesus too.  An amazing book I read tells me He experienced outright denial and betrayal from those closest to Him, and I wonder if when the rooster crowed or when the kiss from Judas came, if it happened in a moment when He most needed love and support.  That night in the garden, I believe God’s heart broke afresh.

We tend to take the disappointments personally, because we are all honestly human but also called to give and love on a deeper level.   Our nights of frustration and disbelief must lead us back to our heavenly Father who not only cares, but really understands the pain of pouring into one who turns around to lead you to the most agonizing experience of your life.

As a leader few words can explain what it feels like to watch the amazing men and women of God you would willingly lay down your life for…sons and daughters you led to the Lord, turn and walk away leaving you with that cold sensation of loneliness and isolation.  We may not always understand, but warding off depression and the opportunity to be resentful and hardened only comes knowing two things: ultimately the situation you face is a ploy from Satan himself and secondly, you are not alone, because they hurt Jesus too…

I am a Joel Osteen fan.  (I’m secretly a little jealous of him!)  I think one of the amazing secrets of Joel Osteen’s ministry success is not just his faith, but that he has a temperament that communicates fulfillment, joy and hope.  He is being used by God to tap into something that many of us in our world are hungry for…real joy and happiness.

I recently read a book called, Happier by Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, ph.D, a professor at Harvard University.

Here’s a quote from his book:

“Attaining lasting happiness requires that we enjoy the journey on our way to a destination that we believe to be valuable.  True happiness is not about making it to the peak of the mountain nor is it about climbing aimlessly around the mountain; happiness is the experience of climbing toward what we view to be an admirable peak.”

Though I may never have a Joel Osteen temperament, here are a few things I have learned that can move us towards the kind of fulfilling, happy, faith-filled Christian life that we all want:

1. Learn to take control of your TIME.
2. The more grateful we train ourselves to be the happier and more fulfilled we are.
3. Life is a journey not a destination.
4. People are happier when they have rich and satisfying social relationships.
5. Our goals need to be realistic with a combination of meaning and pleasure.

If you struggle with this, like I do, you might want to listen to this month’s Youth Leader’s Coach, “Happier:  Even Without A ‘Joel Osteen Personality.’”  (http://www.youthleaderscoach.com/playbook/details.asp?id=273)