One night, I found myself at a dinner with a ministry VIP. My personal assistant later said, “That guy was a jerk to me. But he sure seemed to like you!”
I smiled and answered, “That’s because I kept asking him questions about himself and listening while he talked.” A lot of people talk about IQ, but I want to be known for my “LQ” (Listening Quotient).
Let me ask you a really important question in youth ministry: How good of a listener are you…really? We in church circles often seem to be lots better at talking than we are at listening. That’s a pretty tragic statement, but an agonizingly true one. And after lots of years in youth ministry trenches, I promise you that intentional listening is a really, really big deal.
Years ago, Voltaire gave great counsel to those of us in youth ministry: “The ears are the highway to the heart.” James echoed that same wisdom in the New Testament when he said, “Be slow to speak but swift to listen.” So let me give you a few simple suggestions to help your “LQ” start climbing higher.
1) Realize that listening takes effort on your part. It’s far from being passive. It’s easy to “space out” when a teenager is talking with you, but it’s only when you deeply listen that you can really hear beyond their words to their heart. That kind of listening takes a choice on your part and focused intentionality. It doesn’t “just happen.” Listening is hard work.
2) Learn to “say it back.” I’m not suggesting you become a shrink or a parrot, but to help teenagers know that you’re really hearing them, occasionally re-word what they’re saying and repeat it back to them. Just yesterday, a teenage guy was telling me some of the rough times he faced with his dad growing up. Mid-stream into the conversation, I said, “If I’m hearing you right, your dad was a pretty tough guy to be around, especially when you were a young kid. I’m super sorry. Talk to me more about that.” I wanted the teenager to know I was hearing what he was so awkwardly trying to say. Then I went even further by saying, “Talk to me more about that.” Over 30 minutes later, he stopped talking and said, “Thanks, Jeanne. I didn’t know all that junk was in there.” My ministry to him? I had said almost nothing. I just shut up and really listened.
3) Fight to keep your eyes from wandering. We’ve all experienced times when someone let their eyes roam the room as we’re talking to them. If you’re like me, I’m usually through talking about the time their eyes start roaming. That’s why I remind myself often, “Wherever you are, be all the way there.”
So if you want to be effective in youth ministry, try these three simple reminders to up your “LQ.” I can guarantee you one thing: The more wholeheartedly you listen, the more wholeheartedly they will talk.
Confrontation, though we may not like it, is unavoidable. It’s everywhere! From ministry to family, to the workplace, to sport games, to whatever… we all have to deal with confrontation at some point. So how do we correct in a biblical manner? Here’s some of my thoughts:
1. We correct to make people self-aware. It’s easy for people to miss their blind spots. This is why confrontation is a must in some avenues. We must be courageous enough to challenge people to be the best that they can be.
2. We correct to help point people in what is best for them. Sometimes confrontation is necessary to challenge people out of areas that are not good for them. To confront is to care.
3. Unless confrontation brings you pain, you shouldn’t do it. This is the star, underline! Haven’t you met people who enjoy correcting people just a little too much? The truth is, if it’s too easy for you to correct people, then you aren’t ready to correct.
4. People are messed up. There is always a story behind the habit, the actions and attitudes. Take time to listen deeply to people. When you take the time to listen to people, you gain a new understanding and fresh eyes to why people do what they do.
5. Watch how you treat people after the confrontation. Always love on them afterwards to guard awkwardness from the previous correction.
6. Don’t just state facts, ask questions. Asking things such as, “Where do you think that comes from?” or “Help me to understand why that happens?” are incredible questions to get people really thinking about why they do what they do. Remember, the goal of confrontation is restoration, not condemnation.
7. Praise in public, but correct in private. Confidence in correction is a big deal. If people feel like you air their dirty laundry, then trust is broken.
8. Biblical correction should always up your level of compassion. Here’s the rule to biblical confrontation: treat others the way you desire to be treated. Your biggest goal is to be an authentic encourager, then as time progresses you have the right to make other people better. Remember, “The goodness of God leads to repentance.”
Let me start by asking a question, “When you are feeding a precious new baby, who controls the speed of that feeding, do you control it, or does that baby control it?” The answer, of course, is the baby. You cannot make a child feed any faster than he wants to. Once the child says, “I’m done,” you can keep feeding it, but he’ll just spit the milk back out.
So, as you are “feeding” students God’s truths, let me give just 10 simple thoughts about how to help students embrace spiritual truths on a personal basis.
1. Just like newborn babies will feed and grow differently and at different times, so will your students. Everyone learns differently. Many of us are visual learners, others are audio learners. Some students may come back to you with instant feedback while others will be silent for a while on their growth. You will be working with different types of students, so you will have to adjust for that.
2. Make the THREE LEGGED STOOL and the 10 AND 10 your personal mantra and be intentional about creating ways to mention these often. The three legged stool is prayer, time in the Word, and Christian friends. I say to my students that if you don’t have one of these, or if you shorten one of these, then your walk with Christ can become unstable. The 10 AND 10 is 10 minutes in the Word and 10 minutes in prayer. The Dare: 30 Days Will Change Everything by Josh Mayo, the Pursue Bible And Journal, and Life Journal are great spiritual growth resources.
3. Positive INTENTIONS without positive FRIENDSHIPS usually result in spiritual disaster in a teenager’s life. A quote I say often is, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.” Make sure you stay aggressive in the “friendship cultivation business” in your youth group.
4. Communicate biblical truth outside of the CHURCH WALLS. Field trips are a great tool to further explain a concept. Also, retreats are great or taking someone out and talking to them one on one during a lunch or car ride. Getting people out of their natural environment to teach them is a very powerful thing.
5. Make sure to tell students that FAILURE isn’t FATAL. Make one-liners from upfront on stage and in personal conversation to defang any negative thoughts that may be birthed from spiritual mess-ups. Be tremendously honest and create an atmosphere where spiritual truth can be integrated.
6. Youth ministry was created for HEROISM, not just PLEASURE. So give them reasonable hills to charge along the journey. If you give students hills to charge, then as they’re charging the hill, spiritual truth can come alive.
7. When speaking, make sure you ask, “So What?” This is the question that every student is quietly asking as they listen to one of your talks. This helps the students say to themselves, “What does this have to do with me and what do I have to do with it?” You need to be a person that is easy to listen to that connects to their life.
8. Obsessively ENCOURAGE and REWARD the smallest RIGHT CHOICES in a student’s spiritual growth. “Whatever gets REWARDED, gets REPEATED.”
9. Remember spiritual formation always happens best when you get them in the game rather than just on the bench. Small groups are a key element for getting your students into relationships with other Christ-followers. Also, get them serving. This will give them ownership of the ministry.
10. Always direct the majority of your attention and time to potential leaders because they will multiply themselves into others. If you are not intentional with who you give your personal time away to, your EGRs (EXTRA GRACE REQUIRED) will always take it from you.
While services are obviously a huge part of a successful youth ministry, I think it’s invaluable for you to take your youth gang outside of the four walls of the church. The truth is that the youth group or life group that PRAYS together and PLAYS together, STAYS together! That’s why I request my leadership team to host at least one “outside activity” a month beyond our usual youth services and small groups. You can choose whether those are fun or serious.
Here are just 4 quick thoughts to host a successful event to create some family fun:
Nobody ever told me in youth ministry that I would face many times when I was trying to bring the teenagers closer to Christ while I felt a million miles away from Him myself. Early in my ministry, I felt like a phony and a con artist during those non-feeling times. Though I was far from perfect, those silent seasons didn’t come because of the typical pitfalls (i.e. lack of personal devotion time, willful sin, or blatant disobedience). The old time preachers used to refer to these times as “when the heavens are brass.” It’s tough to tell your students, “Let’s all pray together, but I’m honestly not very sure myself that God is listening to me right now. So good luck on your end!”
Then one unforgettable day, I read Isaiah 50:10 and the lights came on. (Drum roll, please.)
“Who among you fears the Lord and obeys His servant? Let the man who walks in the dark and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.”
Let me break down this awesome verse for you. Maybe it will help you (both as a Christ follower and as a youth leader) when you hit these dark times in your own ministry and walk with Christ:
1. “Who among you fears the Lord and obeys His servant?”
The Lord used these words to clearly show me that God was talking to “His kids” in this verse, not nonbelievers. So I saw that even conscientious Christians sometimes walk through these dark, unfeeling times.
2. “Who walks in the dark…”
What are we supposed to do when the spiritual blackout comes? Keep walking! Keep doing the things you did before the lights went out. Don’t let yourself sit down on the inside, no matter how tempting it is to get spiritually lazy or quit.
3. “Trust in the name of the Lord…”
In the Old Testament, a person’s name reflected their character. So the Lord is telling us, “Trust My character as revealed through My Word.” God’s character can always be trusted when your feelings cannot.
4. “And rely on his God.”
In Hebrew, the word “rely” translates, “to lean heavily upon.” He’s saying, “Lean heavily upon My Word. You don’t have to worry. I’m steadfast and I won’t be moving! Lean heavily upon Me and you’ll still keep your balance.”
So the next time you face one of those “darkness of God” times (that’s what the early church fathers called it), be encouraged that it is all part of our growth and maturity in Him. You’re far from a phony. And remember Corrie ten Boom’s profound advice; “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets really dark, don’t panic and jump off! Just sit still and trust the conductor.”
In the few short years we have to impact their lives, we need to be giving our students two things – ROOTS and WINGS. One of the biggest ways that you give kids roots is by making memories together, both fun and spiritual. Many families today aren’t very good at doing this (or even if they are good at it), it has to become something that we become great at in our youth ministries. To many of us, this could feel like more of a “female” thing, but to all of my male youth pastor friends, it is essential that you become good at this too.
The issue is, sometimes we make this way too hard for ourselves. So let me share with you 7 simple pragmatic ways that I’ve used to make memories with my youth groups over the years.
(1) Remember that food is magic in creating memory moments.
I always joke by saying, “where two or more are gathered together in His name…there is food.” Food has an incredible way of bringing people together. Even Jesus knew this. Jesus, when He was with His disciples, didn’t give a last “lecture.” Instead, they shared a last “supper” together. You don’t have to make it difficult to be memorable. Just some snacks and drinks from Walmart or a dollar store can be as effective as serving a full course meal.
(2) Make INDIVIDUAL memories, not just CORPORATE ones.
Nothing says, “I care about you,” to a kid, like doing something special for them. It’s great to do something special for the whole group, but it’s even more meaningful to do something one on one with a student. It doesn’t have to be profound. I remember giving a girl in our Atlanta Leadership College a necklace and told her to wear it and remember how valuable she is. Just know, when you’re making memories, they may not feel like a big deal at the time, but when you look back on them they really were.
(3) Host the usual ordinances, like communions and baptisms at unusual places or times.
This one is huge! This helps your student’s relationship really become tangible and reachable. We do this at our annual spring retreat. The day that we are leaving the retreat center, we have baptisms in the lake for anyone who gave their life to Jesus, and I have my captains baptize the students of their own small group. It becomes one of the most memorable images of the entire retreat.
(4) Give simple tokens away.
To put something in the hands of your students to help them remember your sharing, will be so beneficial. You have no idea the countless texts and emails I get of someone saying that they looked at a token from years ago, and it reminded them to keep fighting.
Be careful however, not to go over the top with this. Average no more than one token a month to create a spiritual memory or milestone.
(5) Create holiday memories.
The youth ministry that plays together (and prays together), stays together. Do something fun with your youth group. It’s easy to either to do all fun stuff or all serious stuff with your group. However, you can use some leisure time to really be a tipping point in your relationship with your students. This doesn’t have to be a sport or athletics, just something fun that gets your students involved.
(6) Capitalize on retreats and trips to create memories and traditions.
There is something really magical about the ability to get away and eliminate distractions. We do this twice a year with our gang for our fall and spring retreats. While you are gone, do a couple of things that can become traditions for you. One of the things we do with our group, we call a Silence Covenant. It’s just a simple 15 minutes that we individually take to be alone with the Lord to ask ourselves some key questions about where are at in life. Again, I know it sounds really basic, but it has become a staple of our youth ministry during retreats.
(7) Lastly, be sure to share each others’ SORROWS as well as JOYS.
Deeply listen to your students when times are tough. Don’t try to fix everything, just listen. A lot of times, the most memorable moment for your students is when you took time to feel with them, cry with them, and help them turn their pain into purpose. It’s those moments you get to be Jesus with skin on.
I’ve had this blog in my heart for the past few weeks. Why? Well, here at home, we just relaunched our youth ministry. As we prayed, we felt like the Lord was ushering in a new exciting youth ministry season for us. So, a few weeks ago, we unveiled the new name of our youth ministry, changing it from “212” to “The Capitol.” Then a little over a week ago, we had our launch night, and it was a great!
While we changed a lot of things about youth ministry in terms of technique and styles, I remain wholeheartedly committed to the youth ministry core values that have followed me through my 40+ years in youth ministry. So, I just wanted to share them with you, my friends.
1) In the face of our society’s watered-down, half-hearted version of Christianity, The Capitol is unashamedly committed to WHOLEHEARTED LORDSHIP based Christianity.
2) An integral part of The Capitol’s “DNA” is an aggressive commitment to PRAYER as the bedrock of all true ministry.
3) In a world of sarcasm, criticism, and put-down’s, The Capitol is tenaciously committed to focused, purposeful ENCOURAGEMENT, mutual respect, and “FROG KISSING.”
4) The Capitol purposefully creates a culture of TRANSPARENCY, AUTHENTICITY and “beneath-the-waterline” living and ministry.
5) The major vehicle of discipleship and leadership training in The Capitol is our SMALL GROUP (life groups) system. We are not a youth ministry WITH small groups. Instead, we are a youth ministry OF small groups.
6) CREATIVITY and TECHNOLOGICAL relevance are prioritized in The Capitol ministry. Though the message of the Gospel remains unchanging, the METHODS do not. Thus, we embrace drama, lighting, and other forms of creative and technological communication.
7) As a ministry, The Capitol is committed to remaining VISITOR SENSITIVE. While still refusing to compromise biblical principles, we want to both ATTRACT and connect to non-believers while also ministering effectively to committed Christians.
8) We, as The Capitol leadership, celebrate personal TEACHABILITY as a true sign of spiritual maturity. We affirm biblical admonition in the spirit of love, recognizing that “iron sharpens iron.” We abhor BACKBITING, DIVISION, and GOSSIP.
9) A strong part of The Capitol’s “DNA” is participatory, passionate WORSHIP and EVANGELISM. Neither our worship nor our evangelism are “spectator sports.” Our worship style is participatory and our evangelism strategy is one of student-driven “friendship evangelism.”
10) In conclusion, we in The Capitol believe that ATTITUDE is ultimately more significant than ability. This, in all realism of spiritual leadership, we celebrate “CHARACTER” far above “CHARISMA.”
One of the most influential men of this generation passed away this December, leaving behind a message of hope, reconciliation and courage. Obviously, I’m talking about Nelson Mandela.
I’ve always been so intrigued about how a man who lived for 27 years in a prison cell could still create such a massive change in South Africa. As I studied his life, I found something really interesting that I also find in the life of Jesus. So how did Mandela grow to be so powerful from a prison cell? He laid down his life and let others win.
John 10:17-18 says, “The Father loves me because I sacrifice my life so I may take it back again. No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily. For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again. For this is what my Father has commanded.”
That’s real power. Like Jesus, Mandela made the decision to lay down his life for the lives of others. Not in a cowardly way, but intentionally, to serve people around him.
So, here’s my simple question for you, “How powerful are you?”
If you want to know how powerful you really are, ask yourself these questions:
- How do you serve others around you?
- How often do you say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong?”
- How do you treat your enemies?
Do you want to be great? Do you want to be powerful? Then model the lives of Jesus and Mandela, who loved authentically and served others. It seems so simple, but it’s much harder to live than preach.
So my friends, in a church world that almost wants their own fame as much as Hollywood, learn to voluntarily lay down your own power and serve others. And ultimately, that kind of servant leadership always brings true power and victory.
I love the word “INVICTUS”! It means “unconquerable spirit” and is used as the title to William Henley’s powerful poem written in the 1800s. An amazing movie based on the true story of Nelson Mandela bears the name as well.
As exemplified in the lives of Jesus and Mandela, it is in the willful laying down of our rights that we come to understand what ultimate power and authority truly looks like. Using the timeless movie, poem and Scripture, we communicate this core truth to our students in this issue of the Source. It’s a huge paradigm shift from what today’s youth and young adult culture are hearing. Come make the leap with us.
A few years ago I attended the funeral of Pastor Wendell Smith, the founder of City Church in Seattle and Judah Smith’s father. It was such a great picture of someone who had really made their life count for something. In that moment, I was very much aware of my own mortality. What did I really want my life to stand for? For me, the big deal is that I leave a legacy that truly honors Jesus. So, here are some of the thoughts that I wrote down that day that I wanted to share with you on how to plant an eternal signature.
1. PURPOSE: “To have a life mission.”
When you know where you’re going, you know the roads that won’t take you there. That’s really what a life mission does. It helps steer us in the right direction. Truth is, until you know who you are, you’re probably trying to be someone else. That’s why I am a woman on a mission to be “Jesus with skin on” to a few people around me.
2. PASSION: “A desire strong enough to shape your daily choices.”
I think we almost beat the passion out of ourselves by competing with kingdom champions and thinking we’ll never be like them. We compare our youth ministry budgets, number count, and speaking abilities. Then we disqualify ourselves and begin to think that what we’re doing really isn’t making a difference. When you compare yourselves to others, the Enemy will immobilize you. But I don’t think God is looking so much for champions as He is contenders. So don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. The best way to live your life is to spend it on something that will outlive you.
3. TRUSTWORTHINESS: “Other people learn they can have confidence in you.”
Trust is developed with TESTS and TIME. Effectiveness in life and in relationships is more of a slow cooking oven than it is microwave. So live with enough consistent character that people know that you can be trusted over the long-haul. If you change direction too much, the people who follow you will get whiplash.
4. INTEGRITY: “Time and tests prove integrity.”
Without integrity, you become a BOSS, but not a LEADER. Ask yourself a simple but convicting question, “Is there a sense in your life that your actions and words are the same?” In order words, “Are you making your words whole with your actions?” It’s easy to lack integrity in certain areas of our lives, so my prayer is, “Lord, free me of all the disconnected parts.”
5. DARING: “No success comes from playing it safe.”
It’s not what you do that makes your work sacred, but why you do it. I love telling you that I’ve failed because it also tells you that I’ve tried. I think fear of failure leads to inaction. Get used to failure so that it doesn’t immobilize you. Take some faith risks. That’s my simple challenge. I say to myself often, ships look great in the harbor but that’s not their purpose lived out. When you take that risk and plant that small seed, remind yourself that God already sees the forest!
Thank you for being one of those amazing people that wants to spend their life for something that will ripple into eternity and for living your life in a way that makes Jesus smile.
Some fascinating detective work conducted in a Wisconsin second grade classroom offers insight into how youth leaders can create positive change in young peoples’ lives.
Two counselors sat in the back of a classroom recorded the behavior of the teacher and students. Every 10 seconds, the researchers recorded how many children were out of their seats. In every 20-minute period, at least one child was standing 360 times and the teacher was saying, “Sit down!” seven times. (That probably makes you feel better about any restless kids in your group.)
When the counselors suggested the teacher increase her commands to sit, it had a definite impact on students’ behavior—but in a negative way. Increased commands (27.5 times per 20-minute period) increased the negative behavior 50%. The more the teacher focused on negative behavior, the more constant it became.
Here’s the zinger: Near the end of the study, researchers asked the teacher to totally stop saying, “Sit down!” Instead, she quietly complimented children who stayed in their seats and worked. As a result, their roaming behavior decreased 33 percent, the most positive response of the entire experiment.
So what’s the takeaway for leaders of teenagers? People unconsciously increase whatever behavior gets them attention, even if it’s negative attention. Wise leaders train themselves to “catch” kids doing something positive and reinforce it with authentic encouragement.
Human nature, inside youth ministry and out, gravitates toward things that need improvement. And obviously, there’s a scriptural place for correction and discipline, but we give kids the emotional energy to change when we sincerely help them first know what they’re doing right. As Romans 2:4 says, “God’s kindness leads us to change.”
All of us crave someone who believes in us, focuses on our strengths, and helps unleash the hero in our own lives. So get going—and start “drawing”! Lots of young people need your positive influence.