Sometimes when a youth group is small and has been together for awhile they become very close and there’s a chance that they like it that way.  They’re afraid if they invite others to the group it will “ruin” it for them.  This can be discouraging to your efforts to grow your youth group.  Here are some suggestions to help:

1. Hear your kids out first.  Listen to their deeper concerns.
2. Tell your kids that you understand that they want to keep their good friends and the close-knit tenor of the group and assure them that’s not going to change.
3. Reassure them that if kids come into the youth group and begin to disrupt it, you will deal with that.
4. Remind your kids Jesus Christ died on the cross for a lot of people and if the youth group is to have the blessing and favor of God on it, it needs to reach out to more than “my four and no more.”
5. Host a “Paul Revere Meeting” for your key influencers and enlist their help.

Do you have EGR’s in your ministry?  You know, those “Extra Grace Required” kids?  When we moved to Atlanta after leaving a ministry of 1,000 students a week in Sacramento, the small group of bored kids in the youth group here was a real wake-up call.

The first EGR was a guy who literally fell asleep (and snored!) in the second row while I was speaking.  The second EGR was a guy who upended my closing story by sauntering down the center aisle, then crawling over his friends to get to an open seat, all the while laughing.  The third EGR was a middle-school girl who pretended to have a seizure halfway through the meeting.  She was a horrible fake, rolling around on the floor like the Gadarene demoniac.  But the icing on the cake came during my closing prayer, when a fully outfitted rescue squad rushed into the room to “administer aid” to the girl.

It was a conspiracy of failure, and I was left battling those sneering voices inside my head that decided a long time ago that I’m a loser.  So what do I do when those voices are starting to win me over?

1. Remind yourself that our Enemy uses mind games as his #1 strategy to get us out of youth ministry.  It’s normal to feel attacked by accusations of failure, discouragement, inadequacy, and frustration – we all deal with this stuff.
2. Remember that Descartes said, “I think, therefore I am,” and Solomon said, “As a man thinks, so is he.”  You can take charge of your emotions by taking charge of your thoughts.  Researchers say that 75 percent of our mental self-talk is negative.  So willfully refuse to replay negative situations over in your mind.  Our self-talk is “make it or break it.”  In the midst of his political struggles, Abraham Lincoln said, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”  (I highly recommend,  The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry.)
3. Be nice to yourself.  When you feel assaulted by negative thoughts, proclaim it National be Nice to Myself Day (or Hour).  Whether it’s golf or a long, hot bath, take care of yourself without guilt.
4. Remember that when fatigue walks in, faith walks out.  The “HALT” principle has always served me well over the years.  I try not to take myself too seriously or make major decisions when I’m “Hungry,” “Angry,” “Lonely,” or “Tired.”
5. Journal your feelings or talk to a trusted friend.  Isolation is a hothouse for negative mind games.  So when I’m battling my own thoughts, I often journal my feelings to the Lord, or I’ll spend time with one or two people who can open the door of the hothouse.
6. Remember, “This too will pass.”  The great spiritual giant, Charles Spurgeon, wrote about battling negative thoughts all the way through his historic ministry.  He labeled these times as “the minister’s fainting fits.”  The point is, he didn’t give up.  The greatest revenge on hell is perseverance.

So you’ve spent hours and hours planning for your big event…it was going to be awesome…amazing…life changing…and it bombs!  Big time!  Your worship leader gets diagnosed with strep throat  and cancels two hours before your event…the major actor in your drama forgets his lines…you find out after it’s too late that there’s a major concert at the school and half the youth group doesn’t show up…they yawn through the message you spent hours preparing…you name it…

I’ve had a million bombs and I have learned that when things bomb in your eyes, they did not nearly as much bomb in everybody else’s eyes.  I’m always the one who set the bomb way bigger than everybody else…and the Enemy is always faithful to send some blessed leader around that makes some sarcastic comment or a couple of kids that walk past and make some dumb comment.  Because our Enemy delights in making sure the wrong people are forever giving me feedback at that moment.

I think the message that’s communicated is that you tried.  I don’t think people hold it against you when you are trying to do something special and it just doesn’t do well.  I’ve also learned that when I question whether or not something is going to go across well, I just call a couple of my key kids and they save me from some bombs.  They tell me whether something is going to be cool.  I can’t tell you how many times these kids have told me, “That’s not cool.”  So I tell them what I’m trying to get to and ask them to tell me what I could do to make it cool.

If you have a bomb, congratulations!  Just remember Thomas Edison who failed hundreds of times before he finally got the light bulb to work.  Each of those flops he never considered a failure because it was just figuring out one more thing that didn’t work.  Over 40 years of ministry…I have a long list of things that didn’t work!  God is not looking for perfect people, but He’s looking for people that care enough about His Kingdom, His purposes and His call, that they refuse to quit.

Once in awhile I come across someone with a lot of leadership potential but they are hesitant to grow because they were previously “hurt” by another leader who offered to help them grow in their leadership abilities but failed to give them the time and support they needed to reach their potential.

When dealing with a situation like this, you need to acknowledge the past hurt and take the time to process it with them.  Assure them that your words will remain in confidence and it is not your intent to “bad-mouth” anyone but to recognize their pain and understand how hard it must be to trust someone again.

As you build trust and friendship with this person learn the power of saying, “I’m so sorry,” for the things that you had nothing to do with.  The essence of Calvary was that Jesus took a rap He didn’t deserve and He said, “I’m sorry” for something He didn’t have to say “sorry” for.  I think, as Christian leaders, one of the most powerful things all of us can do is at different points in our life, look at people in the Body of Christ who have been wounded, whether fairly or unfairly by other people in the Body, especially people in leadership and say, “I’m so sorry,” on behalf of people that will probably never say it or maybe not even realize that they needed to say it.  Hearing those words make it real to people.

Night after night I sat around a table looking in the eyes of men and women, young and old, from all different backgrounds, and saying “This could be an amazing ride, but I need you…I can’t do this by myself.  I need leaders and tonight I’m asking you to consider becoming one of those precious few…”

Those few later became hundreds, but regardless of how many began the climb with us, I always made sure there were individuals around me when I reached the top.

If you do not take the time to build a fence of people around you as you walk this journey, when you reach the top of Youth Ministry Mountain you will wind up calling the ambulance for yourself at the bottom.  In the beginning it is really easy to start with the mindset that you can do it all on your own.  When this is fueled by determination, your biggest challenge will come the moment you recognize you need people to catch your vision.  In the trenches it appears hard to get others to come walk alongside you, but the youth culture of this nation desperately searches for a cause to believe in and support.  With others joining you, it brings protection and accountability.  If you arrive to a place where you have at least ten or fifteen kids in your youth group, you are not physically able to take good care of everyone by yourself.  As a leader, it’s your job to proactively find individuals to help assist you, but let me encourage you that when you do, it will make all the difference in the world.

With all the demands and challenges of ministry sometimes you get lost and you forget why you decided to do youth ministry in the first place.  To avoid that in my own life, I follow a few simple rules:

1. I prioritize my daily quiet time.  If I don’t have a regular quiet time, I’m going to lose it…period.  Then I will begin to minister out of my own ability, but it won’t take me long until I’m running on fumes.
2. I take time off without guilt.  Also, what I’m learning about me is if I keep connected technology-wise, I don’t disconnect enough. 
3. I also quietly give myself permission to “fail” or not be as good in some areas.  Figure out what you refuse to fail at and give it your “best” then don’t’ feel guilty if you’re not “perfect” in some others. 
4. Figure out what replenishes you.  Everybody has different things that replenish them, my idea of a good time is a cup of coffee on my back porch with a book I want to read, for you it may be playing basketball, a game of golf or shopping.

Once upon a time, a well-meaning Sunday school leader declared to the teenagers that showed up Sunday morning after Sunday morning, “You guys are going to like each other or else we’re going to die trying to make you…”  The truth is many of us have felt like we’ve already died trying.  Creating a family feeling in our youth groups is easier said than done. 

If you have more than a dozen or so teenagers, there are probably at least two cliques that have emerged or are emerging.  Even among those cliques, there are always dating issues, friend squabbles, the list goes on.  We are required to teach our teenagers that we are to love our neighbors like ourselves, but at the heart of many of these cliques is individual insecurity.  The sad reality is many of these teenagers don’t like themselves.  So how do we get them to like each other?

First and foremost we must pray for these students to get along, but we must also be strategic in our efforts to get our youth groups to begin to not only call each other family but act like it.  One great way is to plan an “outing” and invite a key influencer from each of the “cliques.”  After a few hours together away from their respective “groups,” they may find they actually have something in common.

Below are some tips to creating an effective connection:

1. Make this something that you don’t publicly advertise to everyone else in the youth group.
2. Make it fun and upbeat, but before it’s over specifically address the issue.  Explain to them how important it is that your group feels like a family and a place where everyone feels safe.
3. Bring them on your team – tell them you need their help.  Ask them to purposefully talk to someone different each week and to go out of their way to get everyone to sit together.
4. Use positive language such as, “It would be so cool if you would…it would help out so much if you would…”
5. Follow–up with these individuals and make them your “check points” as you see things going well or not so well.
6. Remember, what gets rewarded gets repeated!  Desperately try to catch them doing exactly what you wanted them to do and write them a note or tell them how amazing they are!

True happiness cannot be obtained by having a large ministry.  It comes through having a large heart.  Far too easily we equate true happiness with staggering numbers and being flown around the nation, but too quickly we buy into what is honestly a fallacy of ministry.  If those things really did bring personal fulfillment, I’d have a million reasons to be happy, for by the grace of God, I turn down more speaking engagements than I am fortunate to accept and the Lord has allowed several large youth ministries to emerge from humble beginnings.  But hear my heart from this amazing journey of no regrets, not once did any of those things bring me real happiness.

My peace, joy and completeness come solely from my relationship with Jesus Christ and sharing a large heart with Him.  Secondly, I find it in my amazing husband and two wonderful sons, and lastly from having a large heart with my kids in the youth ministry.  My teenagers, as I am sure yours do, keep me fresh spiritually, give me purpose and at times a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  In this latter season of my life, it is the men and women from the trenches of youth ministry who are propelling me to press on in the journey.  The masses never motivated me.  It remains the trademark of my ministry to love, give and stay encouraged by one face at a time.  I cannot imagine Jesus any other way.  In the parables of the lost sheep, the lost coin, and the prodigal son, we find His heart lavishly poured out over just the one.

As you rest in His love and trust, allow yourself to find happiness knowing that He’s much more impressed with the size of your heart than the size of your ministry.

Everybody has a different barometer for what success is.  Success to me is that I have raised up some leaders around me who look at life differently, who begin to have life lived through an eternal focus rather than just “how much money do I make,” or “how big the sign is on the front door of my office.”

To many people, quite honestly, success means they’ve grown a youth group to a certain size and have obtained some degree of a few people around them thinking they’re a good youth pastor.  But don’t allow yourself to get comfortable.  I see people do it all the time.  They reach a level, whether it’s 100 people in the youth group, 1,000 people in the youth group, traveling and speaking or getting “x” for a salary and consider themselves successful.  I have never allowed those superficial markers to become places where I’ve set up camp and sat down.  I enjoy myself to savor them, and you’re wrong not to.  But I keep saying to myself, “Lord, how can I be more for You?”

I want to come into Heaven and be emptied out for the cause of the Gospel.  Not burned out, but emptied out.  I want to feel like I really left it all on the field.  So true success for me is just staying hungry.  Not so much for the tapestry of success, but for growth.  I never cease to be hungry to grow.

My prayer for you is that you will reach for true success in this new year…and find it.

There will be times in your “youth family” when you will have to deal with emotional issues such as  accidents, death, illness, divorce or any of the things that happen in life when you ask the question, “Where were You, God?” 

When these things happen the first thing you need to do for the student closest to and most hurt by the situation is to find one of your strongest leaders of the same sex and ask them to take a special interest in this student.  Say to them, “you own this student.”  Ask your leader to call the student, look for them at the youth service and offer to sit with them even if they act cool.  Assure your leader not to take the coolness as rejection.  This coolness is often their way of saying, “My God, I’ve watched my brother die… (or whatever)” and that’s a big deal.  Let that leader feel like that individual is their mission in life.  Because the only thing that wins when things like this happen is time, and somebody needs to pay enough quiet dues without pushing that then the hurt student begins to feel sincerely connected with.

You can also, as the leader, be a voice from the platform to help your students deal with these difficult situations.  In my youth ministry right now I’ve got 4 or 5 of these highly sensitive situations just like this playing out.  Recently we did a series called “Code Blue” that asked the questions like…”How do you deal with pain when you’re saying, God, I don’t get it…why didn’t You stop that from happening?” or “Why did You let that happen?” 

You can find my message at http://www.youthleaderscoach.com/playbook/.  It’s called “Even If…”