I just hung the phone up 20 minutes ago.  I was trying to be a friend to another youth leader who, in his words, is “getting his head kicked in.”  The issue?  Criticism. And in his mind, a discouraging and deafening amount of it right now.

I think that maybe criticism robs more youth leaders of their joy and fulfillment in ministry almost more than anything else.  It’s not really a question of “Will I be criticized?”  The more realistic question is, “How can I be successful in youth ministry while being criticized?”  Your grandma really was right when she told you, “Criticism will either make you bitter or better.”  Aristotle even weighed in on the subject.  He wisely said, “Criticism is something you can avoid easily—by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”

So let me take a couple of blogs and share some of the ways I try to think and respond when, like my friend said, “I’m getting my head kicked in” by criticism.  And take encouragement knowing that it happens to me all the time.  Did I mention, “All the time?”

• I try to evaluate the difference between constructive and destructive criticism. Proverbs talks about the importance of constructive criticism when it says, “Let my brother smite me for it will be a kindness to me.”  So one of the greatest ways we ever grow in ministry and life is to have people give us constructive criticism, even when it feels humbling and painful.

• Look beyond the criticism and try to see the critic. I’ve learned not to put much stock in the nameless criticisms that abound in ministry, ie. “Lots of people think…”  To take a criticism seriously, I need to know the names associated with it.  Some people criticize so often that they act as though it is their “spiritual gift”!  When a criticism comes from them, I just realize they are living up to their standard performance.  But other times, when I hear a name, I immediately get of the phone to say, “Can we talk?”  The difference is because I know those people are not characterized by a critical spirit.  I often tell myself, “Instead of trying to put others in their place, try to put yourself in their place.”

• Remember that even the best parents can occasionally become defensive and  reactionary when it comes to their own children. So when criticism comes from them, try to graciously hear them out and see things from their perspective.  It is agonizingly easy for normally sane parents to “go on the war path” if they perceive that their teenager has been wounded or treated unfairly.  Just give extra grace in those moments.  One day, these same parents will probably tell others that you were “the best youth leader” their student ever had.

What are a couple of more things to remember when you’re called to be the “bad guy”?

• Remind yourself that even Jesus filled the “bad guy” role occasionally in His ministry. Try kicking some money changers out of the temple and see how popular you are.  Better yet, try telling your leadership team that the majority of them are going to deny knowing you when the pressure comes on.  You probably won’t be winning the highest public opinion ratings during those seasons.  Neither was Jesus.  Yet He modeled for us that effective leadership requires the internal stamina and courage to make tough calls and refuse to waiver.  He wore the “bad guy” label occasionally with honor.  I hope you have enough character to sometimes do the same.

• You will forever wage the battle in youth ministry between “coach” and “companion.”  Choose the first far more often than the second. Granted, “companions” don’t often find themselves being the buck-stopper when the difficult decisions come.  That’s why youth ministry “companions” often appear to be better liked or more popular.  But effective youth leaders know that though it is nice for a teenagers to like you, it is not necessary. In short, remain the youth ministry “coach” in your relationships more than a mere “companion.”  Youth leaders who are mere “buddies” will come and go.  But youth leader “coaches” will be life-impacting forces who will shape the internal landscape of a student’s heart.

In closing, let me give you a smiling word of encouragement:  Take heart!  Jesus tells us to occasionally accept leadership misunderstanding as a “badge of honor.” Remember?  He said, “Take heed when everyone thinks well of you.”  With that focus, I must be doing really great in youth ministry lately!

Painful as it is to accept, I think “bad guy moments” in leadership often set us up to be misunderstood or falsely accused.  People can easily misread your words, your motives, or your decisions.  But Christ tells us that all true Kingdom followers will have these experiences.  Better yet, He cautions us to get a little worried when we sail through life with everyone just saying kind, affirming things about us!

What’s the bottom line of this Scriptural principle?  I guess Jesus was reminding us that if we haven’t been a “bad guy” in our youth ministries recently, we need to get busy! After all, “The man who wants to lead the orchestra must often turn his back to the crowd.”

OK, I guess it’s just an unavoidable part of being in youth ministry.  Most all the great suspense and adventure movies have one, so why shouldn’t youth ministry?  What am I talking about?  I’m referencing the occasional, not-so-fun role of being the “bad guy.”

So let’s talk a little about when you find your self in the “bad guy” role.  Maybe you have to deal firmly with students who are disrupting your youth service.  Maybe you have to break the news to unsuspecting parents that their “perfect angel” is not quite so perfect.  Or maybe you have to deal head-on with some rotten attitudes that will undermine the unity of your group unless someone confronts the issue directly and the offenders.  (To make things more exciting, let’s assume that your senior pastor’s teenager is involved in one of these situations!)

Whatever the tough situation you find yourself in, in this blog and the next one, allow me to relate some of the simple principles I try to embody during the “bad guy seasons” of ministry:

• Don’t React, Respond. These three words are almost a mantra in my life.  When situations become pressurized or sensitive, it is easy to inflame the atmosphere with your own emotion.  Just refuse to get caught up in the emotion and make a reactionary response.  Take time to weigh out your options and prayerfully submit them to the Lord.  Engage your brain long before you engage your mouth. Remember that you will rarely regret words that you never say.

• It is tough to lead when their approval you need. Did you get that simple statement?  Try reading it again.  It’s pretty pivotal.  You see, no one likes the occasional role of being the “bad guy.”  But true leadership requires it in every arena.  That’s why an effective youth leader must be secure enough in himself to make some hard calls even when they are not popular ones.  If you need to please people all the time, you’ll never truly be the leader.

Here are a couple more ideas when giving advice to your students that are “looking for God’s direction” for their futures…

• Realize that a moving car is always easier to steer than a parked one. Likewise, as we seek the Lord’s leadership in specific areas of our life, we often need to “get the car moving”!  Many times I have been almost frozen by my well-intentioned determination not to make a mistake.  But when I took the first steps towards a specific action, I sensed either a peaceful freedom or that familiar “inward alarm” that cautioned me to change paths.  Clarity only came after I started to make some moves.

• Remember the Good Shepherd Principle. In John 10:3, Jesus says, “The sheep hear My voice and I call them by name and lead them.”  OK, that’s an awesome promise.  But let me remind you of one simple fact:  He calls us “sheep” and sheep are known for being exceptionally dumb! That gives me a lot of hope.

You see, to follow the Lord’s leadership in your life, you don’t have to be a spiritual superstar.  He already knows that in our best human efforts, we can still be pretty stupid.  That’s why He encourages us by giving us this analogy of the shepherd.

In New Testament times, if sheep wandered off the path, whose responsibility was it to get the animal back on the right path?  The dumb little sheep himself or the shepherd?  The answer is obvious.  The shepherd is responsible for correct guidance, not the sheep.  It is the sheep’s responsibility to stay close to the shepherd and consistently follow the shepherd to the best of his ability.  It is the shepherd’s responsibility to take care of the rest.  What a freeing realization for all we “dumb sheep”!

So happy counseling with your students!  Your scriptural sanity at major decision points in their lives will be a huge gift to them.  Thankfully, this whole business of determining God’s guidance in our lives is not the agonizing tightrope we sometimes try to make it.  If all else fails when you pray, just start saying “Baaa! Baaa!”

Just the other evening, one of my seniors in high school said seriously,  “Jeanne, we need to talk.  I’m really confused.”  Somehow, I knew intuitively where the discussion was going.  “I have to make some major decisions about where I’m going to college,” she continued, “and I’m really confused about how to know God’s direction in all of this.”

It’s the age-old dilemma faced by many of your most conscientious students.  They really do want to follow the Lord’s direction in their lives.  But how do they honestly determine it?  After all, most of us haven’t had an angel sky-write a message in the clouds to us recently.

So in this blog and the next, I want to highlight some of my simple advice to my graduating senior that evening.  Maybe it will help you with some of yours:

• God’s will is not so much “supernatural” as it is “super natural.” By that I mean that we often make God’s direction in our lives too complex and ethereal.  When we prioritize keeping Christ as Number One in our lives on a daily basis, His guidance is a natural by-product of our daily walk.  Don’t make this too tough!  I think it’s harder for the sincere Christian to be out of the will of God than in it.

• Confidently follow the Psalm 37:4 Principle. Remember the verse?  “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  That simply means that our primary responsibility is to keep “delighting ourselves” in Him through the cultivation of our daily relationship with Him.  Then we can trust confidently that He will transfer His desires to our hearts so they become our desires. That’s why I smilingly ask my conscientious students, “What is in your heart to do?  What seems the most appealing to you?”  Often times, we almost unconsciously believe that God is a “Cosmic Killjoy” and that His guidance will point us far away from our heart’s desire.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

Gossip is the #1 killer of friendly youth ministries.  So what do you do when gossip becomes a problem in your youth ministry?  Here are just a few suggestions…

• Create a youth meeting focused on gossip and sarcasm. You could even create a video of yourself on top of a tall building, reenacting the scene I described in my last blog.  Your night could be entitled, “Lessons From A Feather Pillow.”

The Source called, “Scar-Casm,” is a night we did focused on Sarcasm and Gossip if you’re looking for ideas.

To learn more, just click on the picture!

• As with all significant changes, get your key influencers on your side. Many people gossip out of their own insecurities and jealousy.  So have the courage to talk to key offenders privately first, helping them to realize their pattern of gossip and asking them to please focus on changing.

• Create an atmosphere in your youth ministry of affirmation and encouragement. I often remind our youth leadership team, “Don’t pull the weeds without planting the flowers.”  In other words, the best way to remove negative behavior is to replace it with something positive.”

• In extreme cases, you might need to ask a student to take time away from your youth ministry.  The Word of God clearly tells us “a divided house cannot stand.”  It’s the same with a “divided youth group.”  So after private one-on-one confrontation, I encourage you to ask the repeat offender to stay away for a while “until they are able to control their mouth.”  Serious response?  Yes.  But I think an undercurrent of division and gossip can be used to destroy healthy youth ministries in a very significant way.

If nothing more, just remember the concept of a “feather pillow counseling session.”  I can’t make many guarantees in youth ministry.  But I can guarantee you that if you work with students very long, you will eventually need your own “roof experience.”  Happy climbing!

The Youth Leader’s Coach Resource called, “Dealing With Youth Ministry’s #1 Enemy,” will give you even more ideas on how to combat gossip in your ministry and it’s “twin”…Sarcasm.

Ever done one of your counseling sessions on the top of your church roof with a feather pillow in your hands?  I did.  And looking back on that crisp fall afternoon, I think Jesus was probably smiling.  Let me explain the situation.

Early in my youth ministry journey, I became convinced that the number one killer of a youth ministry friendship culture wasn’t sex or drugs.  It was a far more deceptive enemy, Gossip. That realization became the impetus for my “rooftop counseling session.”

I invited two of my most influential but “chatty” girls to follow me on an impromptu field trip.  With feather pillow and scissors in hand, I led them up the outdoor fire escape ladder to the top of our church roof.  They laughed nervously, obviously a little confused at my mission.

After arriving, I handed the girls the pillow and asked them to cut it open and shake it vigorously into the wind.  The fall wind left little option for the hundreds of feathers that fell out.  They flew in countless directions, soon disappearing out of sight.  The girls stood holding the empty pillowcases, wondering what was next.

“OK, girls,” I shared with them, “I have only one more request.  I need you to come down from this roof and spend the rest of this afternoon gathering up all the feathers that we just released to the wind.”

Suddenly, their faces mirrored the impossibility of the mission.  “Jeanne, we can’t do that.  I mean, there’s no way to even figure out where the wind has blown as those feathers.”

“Exactly, ladies,” I said seriously.  “And that’s how it is with your words when you gossip and talk negatively about others in this youth ministry.  Your words blow all over and leave the victims unable to ever fully pick up all the pieces.  You are leaving broken, hurt people in your path.  I’m asking you one more time to stop the negative talk and gossip about other students around here.”

Only the whisper of the fall wind broke the silence.  The girls dropped their heads, not knowing how to answer.  My other milder approaches had fallen on deaf ears.  But somehow, as we stood on the tall church roof that afternoon, I felt that my point had been made.

So in the next blog, let me give you a few suggestions for dealing with gossip and negative communication in your youth ministry.  If you desire to create a safe place where a spiritual family can be cultivated, this whole subject is a must.

While I’m on the subject of “Youth Ministry Mind Games,” this one is a standout and deserves extra attention.  I still remember the conversation with a desperate youth leader from Australia and while some conversations easily blur together, the agony in this sincere youth leader’s words remain clearly etched on my mind.

“Jeanne,” he said.  “I need a favor from you.”

“Sure,” I responded almost mindlessly.  “What can I do for you?”

The youth leader paused for a second or so and then blurted out, “Could you talk me out of quitting youth ministry?”

The man’s candor caught me a little off guard.  Lowering my voice, I answered, “Tell me your story.  What’s going on?”

The story that emerged was all too typical.  This sincere leader had recently experienced having several key kids in his youth group “go south spiritually.”  But as his story began to unravel, it was clear that one student had been particularly painful to him.

“I gave this kid everything I had to give,” he quietly said to me.  “We kept him at our home for awhile, I spent countless hours with him, and he gave me encouragement that I was really accomplishing something.”   The man’s voice broke slightly.  He cleared his throat, trying to mask the pain.  “But then almost out of no where, the teenager began backing away from me and the other kids in the youth group.  He started hanging out with his old friends, and just yesterday I found out that he was selling drugs again and talking about what a joke his Christian experience had been.”

I allowed the silence to linger for a minute.  When our eyes met again, he unashamedly reached to wipe a few tears from his face.  “What do you do when a teenager you really care about goes south spiritually?  I mean, how do you keep the feelings of worthlessness and futility from eventually causing you to cash it all in?”

Let me highlight a few of the thoughts I shared with him that day.  Maybe it will help you when you experience some of the same feelings.  Trust me, my friend, stay in youth ministry long enough and you will.

• Remember that even Jesus Himself had a “Peter” and a “Judas.” After all, the Lord had some of His closest guys “go south” spiritually on Him.  Peter cursed and denied that he even knew Jesus.  Judas not only betrayed his leader, but betrayed Him with a kiss.  So know that the greatest Youth Leader of the universe, Jesus Christ Himself, felt all of the same emotions you are experiencing right now. If it happened to Him, don’t be so shocked when it happens to you.

• Guard against “putting all your eggs in ONE spiritual basket.” My grandmother’s old quote has a lot of wisdom in it.  Allow me to translate its meaning to this situation.  “Guard against putting all your emotional energy into just one or two students.”  It’s an easy set-up for the Enemy to have a field day with you.  Try to keep at least 3 or 4 students up close to you so one student  cannot pull the plug on you emotionally.

• In the middle of your pain, strategically spend time with another student to whom you are drawn. Refuse to allow yourself to pull up into a self-made shell.  Isolation for you right now will only fuel the Enemy’s mind games. You may not FEEL like picking another student up for a Coke, but do it anyway.  “Right choices eventually bring right emotions.”

• And lastly, congratulate yourself that you care deeply enough for your students to even deal with these emotions. In this case, pain is a “badge of honor.” It comes from your courageously “putting your heart out on a stick.”  Just keep the bridge to your heart open for your beloved ‘prodigal.’  You’ll be surprised how often both you and Jesus will be allowed to walk back over it.

When I was a young woman, my mom taught me a valuable lesson.  “Jeanne Lynn,” she would say.  “When you need something done, ask a busy person  to do it.” Smilingly, I now think that this old adage must have been adopted by most  senior pastors in America when looking for someone to work with the church youth group.  “When you need youth ministry in the church to get done, ask a busy person  in the congregation to do it!”

Statistics tell me that many people reading this column are among the honored ranks of the “volunteer youth leader.”  Chances are, you are attempting to hold down a job, raise a family, and even occasionally  have a life of your own while also attempting to pull off a significant youth ministry.  Even those few among us who do this ministry thing “full-time” would quickly agree that there is often more youth ministry needs than there are hours in our days to accomplish all of it.  So let me give you a few of my simple strategies for getting more done in youth ministry without having an eighth day added to your week.

• Practice “on the way” youth ministry. Have you ever noticed in the New Testament how many times Jesus did ministry as He walked from one place to another?  The Gospels are full of accounts where it says something like, “While Jesus was on the way, He talked with His disciples and taught them.”  Jesus gives us great insight.  Make your in-between times count.  I rarely run an errand without someone from our youth ministry in the car with me.  Smilingly, I also  rarely make a trip to the church restroom without someone walking with me.  Just consider making use of all those “on the way” moments.

• Practice with savage consistency “The Pareto Principle.” Pareto was an economist who simply said “20% of your efforts in any given endeavor will create 80% of your results.”  It’s an interesting concept when applied to time management in youth ministry:  “20% of your time will produce 80% of your results.”  How does that translate to getting more ministry done in a minimal time block?  I think it shows us the importance of defining our priority tasks and our priority people.  Then, as much as possible, attempt to prioritize those “multiplying priorities” first.  Often, the most important tasks or people get pushed to the bottom of our list because they don’t scream “NOW.”  So take the time to identify your “20%” and then work to truly put those projects or people first.  That will make your limited time much more eternally fruitful.

• For one week, keep a “time inventory” of where your time goes.  Then answer the question,  “What am I doing that I could train someone else to take over?” I think we often do many time-consuming tasks in youth ministry because we “fly by the seat of our pants.”  I know a “time inventory” of how you spend every 30-minute-block is a true pain in the neck to create.  But you will be astonished at where your time goes, I promise you.  After taking a hard look at where your hours are going, determine even two or three simple tasks that someone else could be trained to take over each week.  My contention is that in youth ministry we often have not so much a “time crisis” but rather, an  “organizational crisis.”  If getting organized is not one of your strengths, humbly ask for the help of a volunteer who is administratively inclined.  That is often a mom of one of your teenagers or one of your older teenager girls.  Appreciate what she does for you and she will gladly create extra hours in your week.  Honest encouragement will mean more to your volunteers than extra pay.

• Learn to say “no.” Enough said.  It’s a tough skill for many of us to learn; but the youth leader who does not fill his own calendar will find it filled by someone else.  I used to have a fun sign I would occasionally put on my office door:  “If you don’t have anything to do, please don’t do it in here!”

Most of all, don’t quit when you feel like a time management failure and want to throw in the towel.  I’m sure Jesus felt more than any of us the overwhelming sense of “too much ministry and not enough time” when He walked the earth.  He understands your pressure better than any other Boss you could ever work for.  In closing, when you need a laugh, remember the “Jeanne translation” of an old nursery rhyme:  “Mary had a little lamb.  It would have been a sheep.  But it chose to enter youth ministry…AND DIED FROM LACK OF SLEEP!”

(This picture is from my NYLC09 Conference “Epic.”  I called the evening, “The Rented Room” and it was all about the Ministry Mind Games we play as youth pastors.)

Ready for some ammunition to help fight the “Youth Ministry Mind Games???”

• Realize that you’re normal. All of us in youth ministry deal with these discouraging voices from time to time.  Since the Bible assures us that “truth sets us free,” I hope my honesty will bring some personal encouragement to you.  You aren’t headed for “The Funny Farm.”  We all hear these menacing voices in our head occasionally.

• Get focused about identifying the primary mind games you deal with and then fighting them. Learn to identify the distortions and lies that are most common in your own mind.  Then rather than letting those lies rattle around in your mind unchallenged, line those thoughts up against the truth of God’s Word and your present reality.

• Don’t pull the weeds without planting the flowers. (One of my favorite “Jeanne-isms.”)  Translation…”Don’t try to remove the negative thoughts without purposefully choosing to replace them with positive ones.”  This might sound a little contrived or fake.  But your grandmother really was right when she said, “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.”

• When the mind games get especially loud, carve out a little bit of time to be good to yourself. My own vulnerability in this arena gets much more significant when I’m really tired or emotionally drained.  Sometimes I treat myself to a long lunch and a massage.  I’m sorry my approach doesn’t sound very spiritual, but by the end of the evening, the negative distortions in my head were far less powerful.

• Most of all, consider calling another youth ministry friend to talk about your feelings or at least consider journaling on some of your thoughts. Isolation and repression only make the feelings of failure and self-doubt become more powerful.  Then remind yourself that you read somewhere that “everybody in youth ministry deals with this stuff.”

And if none of these thoughts bring fresh hope to you, you might want to try a massage!