I think Jesus Himself was a “connector” before He was a “corrector.”  Remember how He dealt with the woman at the well, the tax collector found in a tree, and the lady exposed in adultery?  He took time to personally connect with their feelings before he began to share His specific advice.  So let me give you a few simple counseling highlights that go along with this principle:

1. Remember that listening is usually more healing than talking. We often forget this vital counseling insight.  When a teenager starts to share, we break into the conversation and quickly begin to dispense our “vital wisdom.”  I think that’s a mistake.  In short, listen more and talk less.  I think that simple awareness alone will make you profoundly more powerful in counseling situations.

2.  Teach yourself to make “say-it-back-statements” so the student senses that you really are deeply connecting with what they are feeling. By this I mean saying things like, “That must have really hurt” or “I can’t imagine how painful that probably felt.”

3. Don’t cheapen every problem by saying, “I know just how you feel.” It’s great to relate your own personal struggles to their situation, but often, we spend 3 minutes listening to their situation and the next 10 minutes then relating our own situation.  In reality, it almost feels like we’re having a “problem competition.”  I’m constantly amazed how many students say things like, “Thanks, Jeanne…You’ve really helped a lot,” before I get a chance to say anything substantial at all. Why?  I think the sheer act of deep listening is often more helpful than our lengthy babbling.

4. At all costs, avoid “T.R.T.” That stands for “typical religious talk.”  I’m not saying to leave Scripture or prayer out of the conversation.  I’m just suggesting that you listen to yourself talk and make sure you are doing more than spewing back some often-repeated religious jargon.

5.  Know when to call in the pros and do a counseling referral. I’ve lost track of the number of times that I’ve been “over my head” in a counseling situation.  I’ve often said, “I want to be your friend and help you through this situation; but can I connect you with someone who can be even more help to you than me?”  Yet, student after student has told me later that the pro’s advice was not nearly as meaningful as my personal love and concern.  So even when you do a referral, don’t underestimate the power of your continued listening and friendship.

In short, I have great news for you today.  If you’ve had little or no professional training in counseling, you can still be immensely significant in a teenager’s life.  When they start to share their heart with you, just mentally repeat to yourself, “Lord, help me not to fix it before I feel it.” The results will make you one of the teenager’s most valued counselors.  I promise.

If you find yourself doing a lot of counseling and need some more advice, you may want to listen to the Youth Leader’s Coach called, “12 Ways To Get Better Counseling Results In Less Time.”

It’s the kind of telephone call no youth leader ever wants to receive.  One of our teenagers had just attempted suicide—twice in one hour.  Thankfully, he was unsuccessful in his bid to abruptly create his own curtain call.  But the root causes of the situation were still agonizingly alive.

So where was I in this midst of this trauma?  Right by the young man’s side in the hospital, giving the kind of encouragement and hope every youth leader would want to give?  Not hardly.  I found myself hundreds of miles away, serving as the keynote speaker for a statewide youth leadership conference.  What can I do from there?

Thankfully, I’d prioritized building a youth leadership team around me.  So there were a couple of great young adults who drove to the hospital to be with the suicidal teenager.  Did those guys have extensive training in counseling?  I’m afraid not.  Did they have experience in crisis intervention situations?  Not that I know of.  Yet, I was authentically comfortable that they would be highly effective in this life or death scenario.

So to help you understand my peace in this situation, let me reiterate my simple instructions to them before they raced off to this troubled teenager’s side.  I think it’s the ultimate counseling advice most youth leaders need to remember.  It pivots around only seven simple words—words that they’ve heard often in our leadership training times:  “Don’t fix it until you feel it.”

Sound profound to you?  It should.  You see, this simple principle has served me over and over through the myriad of counseling situations that nearly four decades in full time youth ministry have presented.  At this point, I must honestly tell you that I think I’ve “heard it all” – everything from a young girl whose demented father was forcing her to be sexually active with their farm animals to the young man who secretly admitted to me that he had murdered his girlfriend.  Though the situations called for very different focuses, I started at the same pivotal place:  I didn’t try to “fix it” before I “felt it.”  In short, I’ve tried to make sure that my heart connected with the students and what they were going through before I began to share any thoughts or advice with them.

Teenagers, to the agony of our seminaries, don’t care a great deal about their leader’s level of Bible knowledge.  What’s the message?  I think the youth culture we minister to wants a leader who is able to make portions of relevant Scripture really come alive to them.  In truth, many church-going teenagers already know far more Scripture than they practice. So knowledge is not nearly as impacting as the ability to communicate it.  Perhaps as youth leaders we need to aspire to be more than “youth preachers,” but rather “youth communicators.”  There’s a world of difference.

Remember, you have only one hit a week with most of today’s youth culture when it comes to church attendance.  The days of attending both Sunday’s and Wednesday’s are becoming increasingly less common.  The result?  We can’t afford to “punt” when our students walk inside our doors.  We don’t get them often so we had better make it something that is relevant and memorable.

The bottom line is, teenagers prioritize a youth leader who “creates a welcoming, friendly atmosphere for youth group activities.” So what does this remind us?  Simply, that as a youth leader, if our youth group does not pass the friendliness test, we flunk!

How are you doing?

What is it that kids are really looking for in their youth leaders?  Through my years in youth ministry, I’ve learned that a youth pastor with lots of charisma and a highly entertaining youth ministry are great…but today’s “over-entertained” youth are looking for something more.

#1 – They want someone that makes them laugh! Students of this culture unmistakably value a great sense of humor.  They don’t expect their leaders to always be funny.  But they do expect them to be fun.  The leaders who quickly laughs, who doesn’t take life too seriously, and who can create a party when the church van breaks down is ahead of the pack.  But remember, though charisma may get you in the door as a youth leader, it’s your character that will keep you there.

#2 – They want someone who really listens well. The premium is high for a leader who “really listens well.”  Voltaire said it well when he penned, “The ears are the gateway to the heart.”  Youth leaders who train themselves to ask caring questions, avoid TRT (typical religious talk), and listen more than they talk will be the most significant.  My grandfather often told me, “The Good Lord gave us two ears and only one mouth because He meant us to listen twice as much as we talk!”  Maybe Grandpa would have made a good youth leader.

#3 – Someone I can trust when I have a problem and need advice. Trust is “ground zero” for today’s youth culture.  Seasoned youth leaders know that you may take months to earn trust and easily lose it in an unthoughtful moment of reaction.  Though teenagers detest “youth leader answer machines,” they covet someone who can be trusted to keep their confidences and give them heartfelt advice when asked.  Great youth leaders realize, that you must first earn the right to speak and be listened to.

About the time we have been in youth ministry long enough to have a little seasoning, we begin to feel we are out of touch and a little old.  Yet as I reflect back on more than 40 years of youth ministry, so many stories come to mind…stories of my spiritual children and spiritual grand children.

As I look forward to 2012 and another year in youth ministry, stories come to my mind that I want to share with you.  Hopefully, the stories below, will help you reflect on some of the rewards of staying in the youth ministry trench for the long-haul.  And as you reflect on your “youth ministry” New Year’s Resolutions, it’s my prayer that you too will someday have some spiritual children and grand children stories of your own.

First, let me tell you about Ben and Holly.  You see, both of them gave their lives to Christ in my youth ministry several years ago.  It was then my privilege to coach and mentor them as they became small group leaders in that same youth ministry.  Years later, they were my hosts while I ministered at a large church in Denver where they became the youth pastors at a mega-church, leading a thriving youth ministry.  They are the parents of four adorable children and so our talks together jumped from old memories to child-rearing to youth ministry strategy.  To say it was a fulfilling time would be a gross understatement.

Then, there’s Matt and Fawn.  Matt trained for ministry with me years ago.  It was my honor to help them locate a great youth ministry position in a thriving Colorado church.  I was honored to fly to California to share in their big wedding day.  Unbeknown to most people at the wedding, Matt had just learned that he had a serious tumor-like growth on his brain.  Surgery was essential or death would be eminent and quick.  Yet the brain surgery was often accompanied by having to relearn how to walk and talk.  (Not great news to hear a few days before your wedding.)

During their wedding ceremony, I presented Matt with one of my husband’s cuff links.  An “M” was engraved on the front for “Mayo,” but on their wedding day, I told him that the “M” stood for “Man of Might” and for “Miracles…miracles…miracles.”  His eyes brimmed with tears that moment in the ceremony.  Why?  The three of us knew that miracles were going to be more needed than ever before.

So fast-forward ten months later.  Matt and Fawn showed up at a service where I was at to surprise me.  His brain surgery was a huge success with no serious complications.  He laughingly showed me the bald patch on the back of his head, the only visible remains of his near brush with death.  Our time together was brief, but as Matt hugged me farewell, he whispered sincerely, “I owe you so much, Jeanne.  Thank you for all you mean to me.  I’ll never forget.”  My reaction?  How does life get any more meaningful?

Then there’s the young woman in her 20′s who one day showed up in a pew right next to me while I was speaking out of town.  She grew up in my youth ministry, but life had taken some painful turns.  She was living with a guy to whom she wasn’t married, the relationship had recently crashed and her life was in shambles.  Through tears she told me her story.  She told me that Sunday morning, she was driving on the interstate and felt strangely prompted to pull off and attend church.  By her own admission she hadn’t been in church for over two years, so any church attendance would have been a big deal.  By a “coincidence” (or “God-incidence”), she walked into the large church and saw me sitting on the front row.  Time freezes.  Tearfully, she almost fell into my hug right before I went to the platform.  “This is the Lord’s way of reminding you how much He still loves you, my friend,” I whispered in her ear.  She drank in the message, spilled her heart to me afterwards, and promised to stay in touch.  Once again, I was reminded that this whole business called youth ministry can be pretty supernatural.

The stories could go on and on…  What am I trying to say?  That the stories remind me that I’m one of the most fortunate people in the universe to get to do youth ministry.  In a world of superficiality, I get to pour some of my energies into partnering with the eternal.

So hang in there, my youth ministry friend. Your stories are ahead for you too…that is, of course, unless you quit too soon.

Do you need some more encouragement?  You might want to listen to the Youth Leader’s Coach Resource called, “Keeping Yourself Relevant For The Long-Haul.”  You’ll find it in the PLAYBOOK.

Here are a couple of more ideas to help overcome the “boredom factor” in your youth meeting:

• Have a couple of your creative students write and perform a 5 minute drama segment that applies to your topic. Here’s the great news…all you have to really know about your message is the main subject you’re going to deal with.  That’s enough to get their creative wheels in motion.  After you experiment with this a couple of times, teenagers will start coming out of the woodwork who are great at writing and acting.

Need a little more help with drama scripts?  We have a ton of Youth Leader’s Coach “Source” Resources with dramas…like “Hoarders” …  “Desperate Prayer Lives” …  “Scar-Casm” …  “How Many Facebook Friends Do You Have?” …  “24 – The Difference A Day Makes” and some full-length dramas like “Wall Street” and “History Makers.”

Watch a simple skit we did for the "Source" Resource called, "The Family Room"

• Ask one of your students to share his own testimony that relates to the topic you are talking about. The more you keep “changing voices” throughout your evening, the less likely boredom will be.

You can listen to some examples of this in the “Source” Resources “Dungeon Of Depression” and “How Many Facebook Friends Do You Have.”

If the truth be told, I think today’s fast paced media has made all of us a little ADD.  So rather than resenting the quite “boredom cracks,” you’ll love the fulfillment of making simple changes.  Remember, the worst communication method to use with teenagers is the one you use all the time. Your grandmother really was right…”Variety IS the spice of life.”
For more ideas on how to add a little creativity to your youth meeting, listen to “15 Things To Do When You’re Bored With Your Own Youth Service.” You’ll find it in the PLAYBOOK.

Want to take a guess at the excuse I’ve heard most often by teenagers who stop attending local youth meetings?  It’s two simple words:  “It’s boring!”

Granted, youth leaders aren’t going to keep up with the creativity of YouTube and the internet, but there are a few creative elements which can be used in your youth meetings that will make a huge difference in the “boredom factor.”  Obviously, I’m not suggesting that you use all of these approaches every week. But the use of even one or two (on a rotational basis) each week would be a huge help in adding life to your meeting.  In the next couple of blogs, allow me to list a few simple suggestions.

But first, let me preface my words with one simple warning:  None of these suggestions are “new.” You have probably considered most of them many times over.  But the bottom line is that we have to exert enough emotional energy to actually USE some of these approaches regularly, not just keep procrastinating them until “another night.”  (In other words, creativity will take a little extra work on your part, but I promise you that it will be well worth your effort.)

• Use movie clips, tv clips or YouTube videos that relate to your topic. It’s so simple to brainstorm with a couple of your teenagers and find a movie that could relate to your topic.  Then connect with one of your students to do simple editing.  Until I was able to add an amazing paid tech guy to my team, I used to just cue the movie clip to a certain spot (2-4 minutes) and turn it on.  Simple as this approach might be, it invariable brings energy to the room.

We want to make your life easier!!  You’ll find a large selection of “Source” Resources in the Youth Leader’s Coach PLAYBOOK with clips that have been already edited for you…like “Taken” …  “Faith: Drop, Roll & Throw” …  “FlashForward” …  “Hoarders” and many, many more.

• Use one of your teenagers to give a monologue with appropriate music underneath it. At times I have written monologues myself and given them to students to “dramatize.”  Other times, I’ve started students with suggestions for opening lines and explained that I just want them to put into words what lots of other teenagers in the youth group are feeling on this subject.  If you dim the lights during the monologue, put a cheap spotlight on the student, and play cool sound track music under them as they speak, you will have a home run for the evening.

You’ll find examples of the use of “monologues” in the Source Resources, “The Pounding” …  “An Enemy Called Average” …  “The Curse Of Insecurity” …  “525,600 Minutes From Now” …  “Dear Jeanne…” and watch for a new Source called “Soul Ties” coming soon.

The conversation stopped and everyone looked up when “Elvis” entered the room.  Let me give you the rest of the story…

I’m not sure where the name “Elvis” came from.  Maybe it was because the teenager wore black leather jackets and carried his old guitar around everywhere he went, but I am very sure why the conversation abruptly stopped that first night he showed up at one of our small groups.  “Elvis” stunk!

Now, I know I’m supposed to say it more politely, like, “He had a slight problem with body odor.”  But a “slight problem” would not have frozen the room like he did.  He smelled so badly that within five minutes, one of the female small group leaders stepped outside to avoid her stomach going into reverse gear.  The guy’s odor left even the strongest stomachs mentally running to take cover.

I’m sure you’re wondering why one of the small group leaders didn’t politely ask “Elvis” to leave, take a shower, and come back on another evening.  Good question.  I guess it boiled down to a Holy Spirit moment.  You see, the only thing more obvious than the guy’s odor was his low, almost desperate lack of self-esteem.  You got the clear impression that he was so lonely and socially needy that he didn’t even realize how serious his odor problem was.  You also got the idea that showing up at our small group was a scary, almost last ditch effort on his part to try to make some friends.

In one of our small group leadership meetings shortly before “Elvis” arrived, I had talked about the importance of treating people with Christ’s immutable sense of love and respect.  My mantra for the evening was, “Friendship is the paved highway that the Holy Spirit most often travels.” Most of the teenagers attending our small groups were from upper class, white collar homes.  So I took a few minutes to challenge them to extend authentic friendship to teenagers who might not dress or act like them.  I even pulled out the Scripture about “entertaining angels unaware.”

I’m not sure any of us ever thought that “Elvis” was an angel, but he did give all of us a great chance to remind ourselves what small group ministries are supposed to be all about…building a sense of family while helping each other to grow spiritually.  So beautifully enough, by the conclusion of the small group meeting that night, one of the students privately had the privilege to lead “Elvis” to the real King, Jesus Christ Himself.

Months went by.  “Elvis” became the small group’s most consistent, whole hearted participant.  Yes, daily showers became a regular part of his life, but so did a growing sense of security, friendship, and confidence.  By the time “Elvis” graduated from high school that spring, a row of about 15 of us from his small group attended his graduation ceremony to cheer him on.  You see, “Elvis’” mom died when he was very young and his dad spent most of his after work hours at the bar.  So as best as we could tell, we were “Elvis’” only family as he walked across the platform to get his high school diploma that day.

So what am I trying to say?  Just that Jesus centered small group ministry will look different for many of us, but one of the non-negotiables will be our willingness to look past each others’ “stink” while we give each other time to slowly become the true “star” Jesus thinks we all are.  After all, Elvis Presley isn’t the only person around who internally says, “Love Me Tender.”

• Don’t underestimate the power of the right music during your closing.  Granted, too much dependency upon music can become manipulation or hype.  But Heaven will be full of music, so it has a lot of spiritual impact when chosen correctly right here on earth.  You don’t have to have an incredible worship band to pull this off.  Just prethink one song (usually slow) that helps to create the atmosphere you desire.  Then cue up your CD player and hit “repeat.”  Simple as it sounds, even repeating one appropriate recorded song over and over can be powerful.  Obviously, if you can use live music it is even better.  But discuss before the service with your head musician your topic and talk over possible choruses for the end.  Never allow your worship leader to “punt.”

• Watch your wording as you close out your night.  Avoid phrases that produce guilt, defensiveness, or alienation.  Use language like “we” instead of the finger pointing “you.”  Include inclusive phrases like, “I think we all struggle with this from time to time” or “I think it’s so cool that you’re mature enough to be honest on this whole topic.”  Make sure that your choice of words makes it honorable to honestly respond.

• Avoid high pitched emotions.  Just as quickly as that emotion melts, so also will the resolve to follow through.

• Consider a carefully chosen story or personal experience to help close out the night.  Jesus was a parable teller and built much of His communication around the power of a story, so I often use a  relevant story to help close out the evening.  It helps cement the focus of the evening and open up hearts to an authentic response.

Granted, there is no right or wrong way to close one of your youth talks.  But whatever your theological background, just take a few minutes when you communicate to think through your closing.  Real estate and insurance agents sure do when they make their presentations and your “Product” is infinitely more important.

If this is an area you’re struggling in, you might want to listen to the Youth Leader’s Coach mentoring audio called, “Effective Closing Prayer Times And Invitations.”  You’ll find it in the Playbook.

I remember it well.  I had only been in youth ministry for a couple of years.  As I finished up my preparation for that week’s message, I was sure it was going to be an incredible night.  I sensed that my topic was really relevant, my Scriptural base was clear, and my illustrations were bell-ringers.  As I glanced at my notes one final time before I entered the youth area, I inwardly smiled, looking forward to a great evening of authentic spiritual impact.

Fast forward two hours later.  I dodged out of our youth gathering as quickly as possible.  And all the way home, thoughts of frustration and failure echoed in my head.  What had happened?  My mind raced to come up with some answers as to where I had missed the mark that night.  Then, right as I pulled my car into the driveway, a mental “light bulb” came on.  The talk had gone well until I started to close it.  Maybe my lack of thinking through my conclusion had helped to create my disappointment that evening.  After all, great salesmen train carefully in “making the right close.”  I turned the car off and sat thinking in the garage for another minute.  Maybe I was on to something simple but significant in the realm of communicating with teenagers.

Let me share a few specifics in a couple of blogs that have become clear to me after giving several thousand talks to teenagers.  The concepts may not be profound; but I think they are strategic whether you are communicating to five teenagers or 5,000.

• Above everything else, take a few minutes each week to think through the specifics of how you are going to close out your evening’s talk.    It’s a reflection of the old quote, “Fail to plan and you plan to fail.”  This means that you mentally go over some basic components.  Don’t just assume that things will fall into place as you wrap up your sharing.  Plan your closing. Take time to decide what aspects of communication you are going to use to create an atmosphere of engagement and response.

• Determine specifically what your “ask” is.  In other words, what specific response are you desiring from your talk?  The unspoken question in every teenager’s mind as you communicate is “So what?”  That’s why you need to be able to clearly articulate your “ask.”  Maybe you’ve talked on family issues and you conclude  something like this:  “I think several of us are honestly wanting to change our attitude at home.  It would be great if you take a few minutes tonight to ask the Lord for His help on that.”